Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. The LC wants me to pump 8 times a day and I just started to take a supplement, More Milk Special Blend from W.hole Foods, per recommendation. She thinks G is used to an instant reward with the bottle and that's why she's getting frustrated at the breast. My nipples are kind of flat, so we'd been using a shield to draw them out, and pumping is helping too. The LC wants me to continue to try to put her to the breast but not if it's making both her and me too upset.
So far, putting her to the breast is not going well. On top of that, I couldn't make myself get up last night to pump. I really feel like I'm losing the desire to breastfeed. Sometimes I feel like my difficulty with breastfeeding is hurting my pride. I guess that's not a bad thing, though. I need to learn more humilty. It's just that I've always prefered the natural way to anything. And especially with my baby. Having to give her formula has been a struggle, and I feel like I'm not living up to my desire to give her a "natural lifestyle", if that makes any sense. Ugh. Plus, pumping so often is so tiring, especially when I have no idea if what I'm doing is even going to help/work. I know breastfeeding would be equally as tiring, but at least then I'd feel like I was moving towards my goal, not away from it, with the formula. We have been able to give her my pumped milk in a bottle though, so I am grateful for that.
Yesterday my aunt came over and was sharing with me her stories of breastfeeding. She has six kids and breastfeeding was a struggle with them all. I couldn't believe it! She said she always felt like she didn't have enough milk and that it was always difficult to breastfeed, getting infections and so on. The she told me something kind of random. She said that St. Therese's mother was unable to breastfeed St. Therese. She had to send Therese to a wet nurse for the first couple years of her life. I never knew that. I love St. Therese and so hearing that story made me feel better. Maybe I'm not such a failure after all.
Speaking of St. Therese, I had just been thinking of her the night before when I was up pumping. I was feeling so tired doing either the midnight or the 3am pump, and my mind kind of wandered to something I read before of Therese's life. When she was in the convent, she was unable to practice the physical mortifications that the other nuns in her convent were doing. She would get sick when she would do them, and finally recognized that the physical mortifications was not God's will for her. And so, to everyone else, she appeared to not be anything special, I mean, she wasn't even doing the outward signs of holiness that the other nuns were practicing, so how holy could she really be in other's eyes? But God saw her heart and had a different path to holiness for Therese. And then I thought about how Sr. Genevieve told Therese to "serve God with peace and joy, for our God is a God of peace and love". Then she knew that her vocation was to love, and to serve God not through physical mortifications but through small acts of great love! All of this seemed to fit to my life right now. I feel like I hold breastfeeding up as the best, the measure of good mothering, and even the holier thing I could be doing. With all the frustration and difficulty I feel like I'm having, I wondered maybe this isn't God's path for me. I feel peace giving a bottle, maybe that is my path. Maybe some of my extended family will judge me, but people judged Therese too, so maybe it's not really that bad.
And maybe all of this won't even matter in a couple weeks. Maybe G will get the hang of it and maybe I'll become more confident and comfortable. My breast milk may increase and maybe there won't be any trouble in a few more weeks. I guess I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. And sometimes that makes me feel like a lazy failure. On a good day, I feel like maybe this isn't right for me and I don't need to be ashamed or feel guilty. My daughter is eating and that's all that's important. I don't know how good it is for her to have a stressed out mommy who is pushing and pushing for breastfeeding. Right now I haven't needed to go back onto my anti-anxiety meds that I stopped at the third trimester, and I really don't want to have to start them again over this. Plus, I probably wouldn't be able to breastfeed while taking a medication anyway. My midwife didn't see a problem with breastfeeding while on a low dose of med, but my doctor does not recommend it.
I'm realizing this post is so jumbled! Thanks for reading this far, and hopefully it wasn't too hard to follow my thoughts. Thank you ladies for your encouragement and support. I'm not giving up pumping completely, I may just drop the late night pump sessions. And maybe I will just bottle feed the breast milk. I feel kind of sad though - will G and I not bond if I give up on her feeding at the breast? I just want the very best for her, but I also recognize that I need to do whats best for me too, because my mood and emotional state directly affect her in a big way, too. Well, I'm going to post this now, I don't know how much time I have before the wee one wakes up. Thank you all for sharing your experiences and for the encouragement and reminding me I'm not a failure. You guys are great! Thanks for reading and for your help and prayers.
