Not doing well

I'm really sad tonight.  I spent some time with my cousins and their kids, one has three, the other has two.  And I don't get along with one of the cousins and her husband pretty much most of the time.  I found out that my parents are hosting them at their house for the week so they can visit with my other cousin while they're in town.  Kind of confusing, but the main point is my parents know how I've been hurt by things my cousin's husband has said to me and I feel like they're betraying me by letting them stay over and also my father is giving work to them as well (the husband got laid off from his previous job).  I told my Mom I'm not going to the Christmas eve party or to their house on Christmas day.  Then I did something bold and told her to never call me again.  What is wrong with me?  I got so jealous when she was telling me that my cousin's kids were over and climbing all overt things and laughing.  I just felt like she likes them better and I feel so hurt.  I am so sad we don't have kids yet.  And I can't stand my cousin being at my parents house with her children.  Usually when I'm hurt I just pull away, and I guess this instance is no different.  This evening while with my cousins and their children, all I did was knit.  I talked a little, but was mostly trying to focus on my knitting so I wouldn't feel sad.  My Mom has no idea how hard it is to not have kids.  She told me once she cried each cycle after she was married until she found out she was pregnant with my older sister.  A whole three months after she was married.  She can't possibly know how I feel.  I wish I didn't even know they were staying over there.

Appointment number 2

It's been a little while since I've posted.  We had our second meeting with my Napro doctor this past Friday.  She was really happy with my chart, so of course that made me really happy too.  I am going to try to gain some weight, per her request, but want to gain mostly from fruit, nut and vegetable fats.  Avocados and flax seed and other good sources of healthy fats are on my list.  Besides that, she wants my husband to have a semen analysis and me to have a tube test.  She suggested both those tests before any further blood work and ultrasounds for me.  I know it's really rare, but I'm afraid that something will be wrong with my husbands test and there will be nothing they can do for us.  As a result of that fear, I feel like I'm not interested in knowing the results.  What if there is something wrong?  I don't want to think it is his fault nor do I want him to feel that way.  The truth is, infertility or sub fertility is no ones "fault".  God has allowed this for us and it isn't random.  His ways are purposeful and He alone has my greatest good in mind.  Trusting that, and remembering that too, is my job. 

On another note, my husband and I have our gifts for our secret santa exchange but I am again leaning towards not going.  Christmas is such a special time and I really want to make it meaningful and prayerful for the two of us.  It's making me sad thinking we'll be spending it with people whom aren't really on the same page as we are with faith and important things.  They are my extended family, so I love them all, but I want more than just to see them a couple times a year.  I want relationships with them, I want to share my feelings with them, my struggles, joys, and actually hang out with them besides holidays.  And of course, I want them to feel the same with me.  When we don't share the faith and other important values, it becomes really difficult to spend even a couple holidays together.

Oh yeah, and I mentioned the night sweats to my doctor and she wants to look into the root cause.  They started when I began my medication for anxiety, so I am almost certain the meds are causing them.  The doctor wants to see if the medicine isn't masking some hormonal imbalance.  I told my husband I would be so THRILLED if I could stop taking this medicine.  It helps my anxiety so much, but I have always kind of been anti medicine.  It pretty much took a miracle to get me to try it in the first place.  Then when it helped my anxiety so much I was really happy I tried it.  But the night sweats and also the fact that it just isn't natural are what bother me now.  Prayer buddy, if you're reading this, please pray that my problem is something hormonal.  Then if I can get my hormones in balance naturally, I could possibly help my anxiety without medication and also achieve a pregnancy!  Pray hard, buddy, because I'm counting on you!!!!!  :)  No pressure!  hehe  And thanks in advance for all your prayers.  I don't know you yet, but I am greatful for you!

God bless you all and good night!

Question

Does anyone know anything about night sweats and why woman can have them?  I've been trying to get information from online, but you know how hard that can be sometimes.  So I thought I'd reach out to you ladies.  For a while now I've been experiencing night sweats.  They aren't all the time, but they're annoying when they do happen.  Yesterday morning and then again this morning I woke up and my clothes were all damp and I felt sweaty.  I've been trying to see if I can notice a pattern when they happen.  I think they happen more towards the end of my cycle.  I'm due for my period any time now.  In fact, I thought I was going to get it yesterday.  I wonder if this could have to do with low progesterone?  I'm really looking forward to meeting with my napro doctor (next friday) to see what she thinks of this.  If anyone has any information on what helps them, please advise!  Am I going through menopause at 28?  haha I sure hope not!!!

And Hebrews, you need to get a wood stove, they are awesome!  Super cozy!!  :)

Happy Feast Day!

It's cold out today!  I woke up early to get our stove going.  I thought my husband was still home, but I saw him pull out of the driveway just as I was coming down stairs.  The stove kept the house pretty warm during the night.  I feel like we're living in the pioneer days over here, and I just love it.  For some reason, not using our electric heat, and burning wood instead has made me slow down a little more and take in the moment longer.  I am loving this thing.  Who knew I could write so much about a little stove?  I guess you could say it's a new simple pleasure of mine.

Yesterday I was busy at work.  I made two aprons.  I think I have been inspired by a blogger who has written about the aprons she has made.  It's a pretty simple sewing project.  I thoroughly enjoyed doing some hand sewing in the living room with the wood stove going!  Two simple pleasure in one!

In other news, I got a call that my appointment with the napro doctor needs to be rescheduled to next Friday.  I'm also due for my period sometime soon.  Which reminds me, my chart the past few days have been showing no cm.  I've been taking a B6 supplement and we've also stopped using dryer sheets in the dryer.  Those were the two things our charting instructor suggested to help clear up the non-fertile cm that was showing towards the end of my cycle last time.  So far, it seems to be helping! 

Today is a wonderful Marian feast day, the feast of the Immaculate Conception.  I prayed a rosary today for those of us waiting and all my readers.  Happy feast day!  God bless you all!

Hope

I'm happy to report that our wood stove is in and working well.  I spent the morning trying to get a fire going, but the few pieces of wood we had were kind of wet, so it took a few tries.  But it finally worked, the fire started and didn't burn out.  It even got up to 375 degrees or so!  We have a magnetic thermometer that helps us gauge the temp. of the fire.  We needed to build three "starter" fires, each with it's own max. temp. that increased with each fire.  The point, I guess, is to not have too hot a fire right away, but to slowly build to a clean burning hot fire.  I feel like an expert already! haha


I haven't written much about the part time job I started with a direct selling company.  I guess that's because I'm still kind of unsure of how much I want to do this.  The thing is, I bought my starter kit and even attended someone's show so I could "shadow" her.  So, I'm going through the motions of this part time job and I am still unsure of myself inside.  I'm afraid to hold shows and ask people if they will host shows for me.  Maybe it will get easier as time goes on and I do more home shows, but as for now, I don't know how I feel.  Even though my husband did get that "compression" raise recently, we could always use extra money coming in to help clear our credit cards and loans faster.  So I'm stuck again being unsure of what I want to do.  Why does this always happen to me?  I have three shows lined up for January, but no shows in December.  A part of me feels like I need to book more shows, and then the other part of me doesn't want to because I'm afraid to be in front of people selling a product!  I know, it's kind of silly.  I guess deep down I'm a little embarrassed to be working with a direct selling company.  And I still feel a little like a failure.  Why can't I be letting people know I'm expecting?  Just like all my friends seem to be.  I guess I can offer these feelings up for my prayer buddy right now.  I know Jesus knows what it's like to feel humiliated and embarrassed.  My feelings are so petty compared to what He went through out of love for me.  It is still hard though, I still want Him to take these feelings away and replace them with joyful ones.  Prayer buddy, I am giving this all for you today.  You have my prayers for your intentions!  I also want you to know that I included you in a prayer intentions list we have at our adoration chapel.  It's so nice to have someone to offer my struggles and sadness up for.

In turn, I'm asking my prayer buddy to please help me to have hope that my husband and I will have a baby someday.  Please pray for me to have hope in God's plan for my life.  Thank you!!!

Candles

We were supposed to meet with our charting instructor yesterday, but I asked to reschedule because I am still not feeling well.  We are, however, going to see our Napro doctor this Friday.  My husband has the day off, so we'll be able to take it easy there and back (it's a two hour trip each way).

I want to make a few gel candles for Christmas gifts.  They're so easy to make.  Michaels craft store has a tub of clear gel wax that is easy to melt down and pour into small glass containers.  You can also buy a wick and some cute little decorations to put inside the candles.  I made a bunch of candles a few years ago but have been out of the habit of doing it lately.  It turns out since we haven't cancelled plans with my extended family on Christmas Eve that we may just end up going because we're in the secret santa. I'm frustrated about that, but it's my own fault because I didn't want to make the call and cancel.  Ugh.  So I was thinking I could make a candle as a gift for my secret santa.  


I'm sorry I don't have anything more to write.  I think my stuffy head is making it hard for me to think and write. I'll try to write more tomorrow.  Our wood stove will be arriving tomorrow, I'm so excited!!  Well, have a good night and God bless.

Soup

So, I guess I caught my husbands cold.  Yeah, the one I originally passed to him, came back again to me.  We just love to share, what can I say?  Last night I was thanking God that we weren't both sick at the same time, that would be a real bummer.  That reminds me.  I am praying each night for my prayer buddy!  And I have already done a holy hour with a rosary and chaplet for her and her intentions!  :)  I don't know why I'm bragging about that, I just felt like mentioning it. Is it really bragging when you are talking prayers?  I wonder.

I just finished making homemade chicken, veggie, and bean soup.  I hope it tastes as good as it smells.

Not too much else is going on around the home front.  We have our wood stove coming on Monday, and will be getting our chimney swept by one of our neighbors this Friday.  My husband and I are thinking about doing something different for Christmas this year.  We've only been married about a year and a half (a little over that now), but we want to establish some of our own traditions, even though we don't have any kids yet.  I mean, who is to say that you need to have kids in order to establish family traditions?  I was annoyed when it was kind of assumed we would spend Christmas the way my family always has - at an Uncle's house on Christmas eve.  I know it wasn't meant as rude, but I felt annoyed that nobody even asked us if we planned to come.  We just got thrown into the secret santa thing and now we have two people we need to buy for.  Enough, I say!  I'm going to give them a call and let them know we have other plans for Christmas.  Not sure what they are yet, but that's okay.  Even if its just a quiet Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my husband, I will be happy!  I feel like a rebel.  Not going to the traditional festivities.  How can I do that?  Well, it's easy, I just won't go.  I'm not waiting until I have kids to stop doing something I don't like doing already.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family.  It's just that I want some space and some respect that my husband and I are our own family now, kids or no kids.  Thus, we will make our own plans.  Wow, that just went on way longer than I planned.  You get the picture.  Well I better go check on the soup.  Have a nice night!