Needing God's Grace

I've heard that you never stop learning about the person you're married to, and that you can always improve the way you relate, communicate and how you love them.  Last night I learned a lot about myself, too.  

I have a really hard time when my husband expresses his feelings.  Obviously, his happy feelings are no problem for me, but when he's sad, hurt or upset by something (especially something I've done), it's like all my reason flies out the window and I become a blubbering mess.  I think his feelings scare me.  I feel like maybe he is going to stop loving me or maybe it's true and I'm a terrible wife.  If he's hurt or sad because of something I've done, I've noticed I go from really scared to angry in like .2 seconds.  This of course, makes him feel worse, because now I'm angry at him for his feelings.  He then feels "trapped".  It's a weird chain of events, but I know I'm the one who needs to work on improving how I relate.

I generally have a pretty strong personality.  My husband is really easy going and not much bothers him.  He is so patient with me and almost never loses his cool.  It seems like I'm the always the one who "brews" the arguments and my poor husband takes it all in stride.  I am truly blessed to be his wife and I know he feels blessed to be married to me, too, but I am so far from perfect.  Last night, and on other occasions, I have felt like I need to change and grow.  We'll soon be welcoming our first born into our home and our world, and it occurred to me that I absolutely cannot prevent my child from sharing her feelings, scary as they may be to me or not.  I don't ever want my behavior to scare or make someone feel trapped.  And here was my husband, being a mirror to me of who I am.  The reflection I saw told me that I need growth, I need to change, and I need God's grace.

We had a wonderful talk, and my husband was clear with me that he feels like he can't tell me for example if he's feeling hurt by me or sad if he feels like he's failed me in some way.  He told me when he feels like he can't communicate those feelings to me, it makes him feel trapped and feeling trapped is much worse for him than feeling hurt or sad.  Something finally clicked in me and I realized that his initial feelings scare me, but that I need to let him communicate them because he's human and his feelings are valid.  Getting mad at his feelings isn't really my honest reaction anyway, so I need to stop showing anger.  I loved our talk.  We both understand each other better now and hopefully things will go better next time.  We don't have a perfect marriage by any means, but honestly, who does?  One thing I think we both have is the desire to learn, to grow and to improve ourselves.  

I told God last night that I want Him to refine me.  I want Him to make me the kind of wife that is prefect for my husband and the kind of mother that is perfect for my children.  As I write that, I wonder, gosh is that a tall order, so much to ask God for!  But doesn't He call us all to perfection like His Heavenly father is perfect?  I know it's through my vocation that I will become holy, and I ultimately want to be a saint.  So, that's where I am right now.  Out with my old ways of communicating with my husband when he is hurt, sad or disappointed in himself.  In with my new way of relating.  God, give me the graces to listen without fear or anger to my husband's emotions.  Let me be a balm to his soul and let me always remind him that no matter what, I love him and am so blessed to be his wife.