On My Blog Title

Today I was thinking of my blog title and wanted to write a little post about what it means and why I chose it for my blog.

God has many "divine names".  He is Existence itself, Love itself, Truth, Justice, Mercy, Being, Knowledge and Goodness itself.  All of who God is, is existence.  He is Existence itself.  His essence equals His existence.  To say God exists is to say who and what He is.  God is also fully love.  His essence, or who and what He is, is Love itself.  It is so hard to fully grasp this with our finite minds.  But it is wonderfully amazing to contemplate it even just a little.  God is Love itself! 

"He that loveth not, knoweth not God: for God is love." 1 John 4:8 

What we know of love is a small portion of Love itself and when we love, we share in a participation with Love itself.  In the same fashion, through our own existence, we share in a participation of God, Existence itself.  Knowing more of who and what God is, helps us to love and trust Him more. 

When I think of the people who love me most, I think first of my husband, parents, cousins, and siblings.  Their love for me is real and true, but it is nothing compared to the love God love's me with. For His essence, His being, is love.  There is no love more real, more fully active than Love Itself. 

This brings me to why I chose this title for my blog.  I chose it because I want to always remind myself and others who God is.  He is Love itself.  With this reminder, I hope to learn to trust Him more completely and fully.  I hope to remind myself each day that there is nothing God allows that is not without reason, or a purpose and some greater good.  It is my hope that my dear readers are blessed with this reminder each time they read this blog.  Be not afraid, put your trust in Him, for His essence is Love! 

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I want to say thank you to TCIE for praying for me during my first prayer buddies!  I am so grateful for all your prayers and feel especially blessed by them considering all of the heartache and suffering God is allowing you to go through.  I have been following your blog, and one thing is for sure, God is molding you into something wonderful.  His plan is at work in your life now and I pray with so many others that God will show you a glimpse of how beautiful His plans for you are.  My husband and I are now praying for you and your husband that your journey here on out will be filled with peace and happiness.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light!  May God bless you, TCIE, and thanks for your prayers!

My prayer buddy this advent was Angela at Mary Grace Holmes!  Angela, you and your intentions have been in my prayers each day.  I have enjoyed reading your blog and getting to know you.  I prayed the rosary and chaplet for you during my holy hour and have offered up my times of suffering for your intentions.  May God bless you and your beautiful family!  It was an honor praying for you!

Why I Cancelled FB

Today I am getting my haircut with my older sister and my mom.  My sister lives in the city and is coming home for about a week.  We have gotten to be closer over the years, so it's nice to have her in town to catch up.  Plus, she can see our wood stove!  haha I feel like I've somehow mentioned that thing in almost every post since we had it installed.  My poor readers, you must be so tired of hearing about it! :)

I just read a blog post about FB recently.  It reminded me of all the many, many reasons I'm not on it anymore.  I thought I'd share them here and maybe encourage others to follow my lead and cancel FB.  Okay, I'm not really trying to convince you all, but I do feel very strongly about my reasons for not liking it.  Before I begin, I will admit that there are many good uses of FB.  I think it depends on one's personality and how they use it, as with many things. 

Rather than connecting me to people, FB made me feel more distant from certain friends of mine.  If I hadn't checked FB for a few days, I would miss someone's post about meeting for coffee or miss a group invite for some party.  Suddenly I realized I had a cell phone, work email (when I was still working), personal email and now FB that I needed to check in order to stay in communication with some friends.  It's now my opinion that if I need FB to stay in touch with friends then they are not really close friends to being with.  

I'm a very sensitive person.  I get jealous super easy and I feel  sorry for myself often.  The root cause of those problems is that I compare myself to others.  I've found that FB is like the comparing person's nightmare.  First of all, people only post their most beautiful looking photos, I mean, why wouldn't they?  And the news they post is almost always the exciting stuff going on.  It's hard to feel content with your life when everyone is posting their travel, baby, wedding photos and so many wonderful tidbits of their life.  I remember feeling like I wanted to post beautiful photos myself, and I know one of  my motives was to make myself look good.

The time issue was another problem.  It was hard to spend a short amount of time on FB.  And even after signing out, I would sometimes find myself still dwelling on a comment, analyzing it to no end.  Or I would become immediately dissatisfied with myself, my life, my husband, ....you name it, I could always find something that made me feel not good enough.  FB had the power to suck the happiness right out of my day, without my agreeing to it.  There are endless avenues of potential discontent and my husband could tell when he would come home if I had been on FB.  My mood could usually say it all.  It was something I read, or something I saw that threw me off.  I just got really tired of my mood being so dependent on how my check in with FB went.  And honestly, now that I don't have it, I have never been happier.  Well, I still have my days obviously, but in general, I feel free from the comparison trap.

If you're anything like me, I would strongly encourage you to pull the FB plug.  You will thank me.  Your friends will begin to know that they have to call you to events because you're not on FB.  You'll start actually spending time with people in real life more.  You won't be moved to tears with another baby announcement.  It will be easier to not compare yourself or your life to others.  And those are just a few of the benefits of not having FB.

The other reason I don't have it, is because I want my life to be less open to the public.  I know you can have privacy settings and I know you can only share what you want to.  I don't want to post on FB when I finally conceive (God willing I do conceive someday!).  That would be like me throwing my pearls to swine.  Something I am hoping, praying, and struggling with is so precious and special to me.  How can I just broadcast it to all of FB as if it's just another "event".  Just another day, just another baby.  Because that's what it would be to those reading it.  I would get the normal congratulations and I know that I want so much more than just that.  I would want them to have understood what I've gone through and that this wasn't just another baby announcement.  Does that make any sense? 

I think it started before I got engaged.  So many people were getting engaged and I didn't want our engagement or marriage to be just another one shared on FB.  I had a lot of personal anxiety at that time and it was so much better for me to not be on FB while I was going through a huge life changing time.  Now I feel like things are no different in regards to how I feel about FB.  Maybe it's too impersonal for me, I don't know.  But now, those who know about my struggle to have a baby are close to me in real life or they are my readers on this blog.  I prefer it that way.  I think I'm better off without FB and I think if you can relate to any of what I've written you may be as well.

Better :)

I wanted to write another post because my last one was so depressing!  My Mom and I are fine now.  Of course I didn't mean it when I said "don't ever call me again" but she said she knew how deeply I must have been hurting to say something like that.  My Mom is always forgiving, and after we talked again about 10 minutes after I wrote the last post, I was feeling so much better.  I think I was just really hurting because I want my husband and I to be the ones bringing kids over my parent's house.  And since that isn't happening, and the cousin I'm not really on good terms with right now was bringing her kids over, it was an all around upsetting situation for me. 

In other news, I don't think I mentioned this here before, but my husband and I sing in our church choir.  We had practice tonight and I am SO excited about the music we're singing for Midnight Mass.  We have a new director and she is working wonders with our group.  We sound really good!  I should see about recording our singing and putting it up on my blog. 

I feel like I've had some very dramatic mood swings these past few days.  The phone call with my Mom was one, and the other one was when we came home to our house (hubs and I) and it was freezing inside.  The wood stove doesn't load itself, so unless we keep the electric heat on at least a little, our house is pretty chilly when we've been out for a while.  The cold makes me so irritable, and I think I was also hungry.  My poor husband had to hear me rant on about how it was such a bad idea to get this stove and I just CAN'T stay here if it's going to be this cold!!!  Well, we're all better now, but I've just noticed myself being more irritable. 

Then this afternoon I felt nauseous for a couple hours.  You're probably already guessing that I'm putting all these things together and wondering if I could possibly be pregnant.  Why would I even want to go there?  I can't make myself crazy with signs and symptoms.  I'm sure so many of you have been here before.  I want to go there and imagine what it would be like if I did find out I was pregnant this cycle.  But how can I?  I feel so foolish for even entertaining the idea, and at the same time I want to.  But I want it to be my reality this time!  Wow, that would be so amazing!!!!  

Not doing well

I'm really sad tonight.  I spent some time with my cousins and their kids, one has three, the other has two.  And I don't get along with one of the cousins and her husband pretty much most of the time.  I found out that my parents are hosting them at their house for the week so they can visit with my other cousin while they're in town.  Kind of confusing, but the main point is my parents know how I've been hurt by things my cousin's husband has said to me and I feel like they're betraying me by letting them stay over and also my father is giving work to them as well (the husband got laid off from his previous job).  I told my Mom I'm not going to the Christmas eve party or to their house on Christmas day.  Then I did something bold and told her to never call me again.  What is wrong with me?  I got so jealous when she was telling me that my cousin's kids were over and climbing all overt things and laughing.  I just felt like she likes them better and I feel so hurt.  I am so sad we don't have kids yet.  And I can't stand my cousin being at my parents house with her children.  Usually when I'm hurt I just pull away, and I guess this instance is no different.  This evening while with my cousins and their children, all I did was knit.  I talked a little, but was mostly trying to focus on my knitting so I wouldn't feel sad.  My Mom has no idea how hard it is to not have kids.  She told me once she cried each cycle after she was married until she found out she was pregnant with my older sister.  A whole three months after she was married.  She can't possibly know how I feel.  I wish I didn't even know they were staying over there.

Appointment number 2

It's been a little while since I've posted.  We had our second meeting with my Napro doctor this past Friday.  She was really happy with my chart, so of course that made me really happy too.  I am going to try to gain some weight, per her request, but want to gain mostly from fruit, nut and vegetable fats.  Avocados and flax seed and other good sources of healthy fats are on my list.  Besides that, she wants my husband to have a semen analysis and me to have a tube test.  She suggested both those tests before any further blood work and ultrasounds for me.  I know it's really rare, but I'm afraid that something will be wrong with my husbands test and there will be nothing they can do for us.  As a result of that fear, I feel like I'm not interested in knowing the results.  What if there is something wrong?  I don't want to think it is his fault nor do I want him to feel that way.  The truth is, infertility or sub fertility is no ones "fault".  God has allowed this for us and it isn't random.  His ways are purposeful and He alone has my greatest good in mind.  Trusting that, and remembering that too, is my job. 

On another note, my husband and I have our gifts for our secret santa exchange but I am again leaning towards not going.  Christmas is such a special time and I really want to make it meaningful and prayerful for the two of us.  It's making me sad thinking we'll be spending it with people whom aren't really on the same page as we are with faith and important things.  They are my extended family, so I love them all, but I want more than just to see them a couple times a year.  I want relationships with them, I want to share my feelings with them, my struggles, joys, and actually hang out with them besides holidays.  And of course, I want them to feel the same with me.  When we don't share the faith and other important values, it becomes really difficult to spend even a couple holidays together.

Oh yeah, and I mentioned the night sweats to my doctor and she wants to look into the root cause.  They started when I began my medication for anxiety, so I am almost certain the meds are causing them.  The doctor wants to see if the medicine isn't masking some hormonal imbalance.  I told my husband I would be so THRILLED if I could stop taking this medicine.  It helps my anxiety so much, but I have always kind of been anti medicine.  It pretty much took a miracle to get me to try it in the first place.  Then when it helped my anxiety so much I was really happy I tried it.  But the night sweats and also the fact that it just isn't natural are what bother me now.  Prayer buddy, if you're reading this, please pray that my problem is something hormonal.  Then if I can get my hormones in balance naturally, I could possibly help my anxiety without medication and also achieve a pregnancy!  Pray hard, buddy, because I'm counting on you!!!!!  :)  No pressure!  hehe  And thanks in advance for all your prayers.  I don't know you yet, but I am greatful for you!

God bless you all and good night!

Question

Does anyone know anything about night sweats and why woman can have them?  I've been trying to get information from online, but you know how hard that can be sometimes.  So I thought I'd reach out to you ladies.  For a while now I've been experiencing night sweats.  They aren't all the time, but they're annoying when they do happen.  Yesterday morning and then again this morning I woke up and my clothes were all damp and I felt sweaty.  I've been trying to see if I can notice a pattern when they happen.  I think they happen more towards the end of my cycle.  I'm due for my period any time now.  In fact, I thought I was going to get it yesterday.  I wonder if this could have to do with low progesterone?  I'm really looking forward to meeting with my napro doctor (next friday) to see what she thinks of this.  If anyone has any information on what helps them, please advise!  Am I going through menopause at 28?  haha I sure hope not!!!

And Hebrews, you need to get a wood stove, they are awesome!  Super cozy!!  :)

Happy Feast Day!

It's cold out today!  I woke up early to get our stove going.  I thought my husband was still home, but I saw him pull out of the driveway just as I was coming down stairs.  The stove kept the house pretty warm during the night.  I feel like we're living in the pioneer days over here, and I just love it.  For some reason, not using our electric heat, and burning wood instead has made me slow down a little more and take in the moment longer.  I am loving this thing.  Who knew I could write so much about a little stove?  I guess you could say it's a new simple pleasure of mine.

Yesterday I was busy at work.  I made two aprons.  I think I have been inspired by a blogger who has written about the aprons she has made.  It's a pretty simple sewing project.  I thoroughly enjoyed doing some hand sewing in the living room with the wood stove going!  Two simple pleasure in one!

In other news, I got a call that my appointment with the napro doctor needs to be rescheduled to next Friday.  I'm also due for my period sometime soon.  Which reminds me, my chart the past few days have been showing no cm.  I've been taking a B6 supplement and we've also stopped using dryer sheets in the dryer.  Those were the two things our charting instructor suggested to help clear up the non-fertile cm that was showing towards the end of my cycle last time.  So far, it seems to be helping! 

Today is a wonderful Marian feast day, the feast of the Immaculate Conception.  I prayed a rosary today for those of us waiting and all my readers.  Happy feast day!  God bless you all!

Hope

I'm happy to report that our wood stove is in and working well.  I spent the morning trying to get a fire going, but the few pieces of wood we had were kind of wet, so it took a few tries.  But it finally worked, the fire started and didn't burn out.  It even got up to 375 degrees or so!  We have a magnetic thermometer that helps us gauge the temp. of the fire.  We needed to build three "starter" fires, each with it's own max. temp. that increased with each fire.  The point, I guess, is to not have too hot a fire right away, but to slowly build to a clean burning hot fire.  I feel like an expert already! haha


I haven't written much about the part time job I started with a direct selling company.  I guess that's because I'm still kind of unsure of how much I want to do this.  The thing is, I bought my starter kit and even attended someone's show so I could "shadow" her.  So, I'm going through the motions of this part time job and I am still unsure of myself inside.  I'm afraid to hold shows and ask people if they will host shows for me.  Maybe it will get easier as time goes on and I do more home shows, but as for now, I don't know how I feel.  Even though my husband did get that "compression" raise recently, we could always use extra money coming in to help clear our credit cards and loans faster.  So I'm stuck again being unsure of what I want to do.  Why does this always happen to me?  I have three shows lined up for January, but no shows in December.  A part of me feels like I need to book more shows, and then the other part of me doesn't want to because I'm afraid to be in front of people selling a product!  I know, it's kind of silly.  I guess deep down I'm a little embarrassed to be working with a direct selling company.  And I still feel a little like a failure.  Why can't I be letting people know I'm expecting?  Just like all my friends seem to be.  I guess I can offer these feelings up for my prayer buddy right now.  I know Jesus knows what it's like to feel humiliated and embarrassed.  My feelings are so petty compared to what He went through out of love for me.  It is still hard though, I still want Him to take these feelings away and replace them with joyful ones.  Prayer buddy, I am giving this all for you today.  You have my prayers for your intentions!  I also want you to know that I included you in a prayer intentions list we have at our adoration chapel.  It's so nice to have someone to offer my struggles and sadness up for.

In turn, I'm asking my prayer buddy to please help me to have hope that my husband and I will have a baby someday.  Please pray for me to have hope in God's plan for my life.  Thank you!!!

Candles

We were supposed to meet with our charting instructor yesterday, but I asked to reschedule because I am still not feeling well.  We are, however, going to see our Napro doctor this Friday.  My husband has the day off, so we'll be able to take it easy there and back (it's a two hour trip each way).

I want to make a few gel candles for Christmas gifts.  They're so easy to make.  Michaels craft store has a tub of clear gel wax that is easy to melt down and pour into small glass containers.  You can also buy a wick and some cute little decorations to put inside the candles.  I made a bunch of candles a few years ago but have been out of the habit of doing it lately.  It turns out since we haven't cancelled plans with my extended family on Christmas Eve that we may just end up going because we're in the secret santa. I'm frustrated about that, but it's my own fault because I didn't want to make the call and cancel.  Ugh.  So I was thinking I could make a candle as a gift for my secret santa.  


I'm sorry I don't have anything more to write.  I think my stuffy head is making it hard for me to think and write. I'll try to write more tomorrow.  Our wood stove will be arriving tomorrow, I'm so excited!!  Well, have a good night and God bless.