Prayers

Last night I was unable to fall asleep until around 3 or 3:30 am.  I'm not sure why I've been having trouble sleeping lately.  Then, all day today I've had a headache that hasn't seemed to let up.  It's just been one of those days, I guess.  We don't have much to snack on at home, it's raining and I was crying this afternoon. 

I am not sure if I should be posting this, but I may sign up with a direct selling business soon in an effort to make some extra money.  It's been interesting.  I go from being excited about it and wanting to do really well, to becoming really sad and discouraged about the whole thing.  I don't want to fail, nor do I want to work hard at it.  Not sure how those two things are going to fit together, I just know what I'm feeling.  I'm so sad.  Why can't I be thinking baby things right now.  Or just plain household stuff.  Why did I even think doing a part time job was a good idea?  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I shouldn't have quit my job.  Now I'm looking to work again.  In my mind that means I failed and I'm having to go back to the page I thought I left.  I thought I left the working page.  Left it in order to have kids and start a family.  How foolish of me to think I knew what was in my future.  Only God knows that.  So He also knew I'd be crying today on this rainy November afternoon.  Should I go forward with this part time job to try and sell stuff?  I guess if I really don't like it then I can stop.  But I feel like I have this need to succeed to make up for the area in my life that I feel like I failed.  Sorry if this doesn't make any sense.  I hope I can fall asleep early tonight and sleep the whole night through.  I don't like being awake at night while my husband sleeps. 

I went to a meeting last night for this direct selling group.  Everyone was talking money, giving and getting rewards for financial achievements and milestones.  In my opinion, money seems to be the only reason anyone does this type of work.  And they tell you that the sky is the limit.  However much time you wish to devote to the parties and the selling, you can do that, and you'll get back the amount that you put into it.  Basically, if you work really hard, you can make a lot of money.  I don't know how hard I want to work at it, if I do move forward.  My heart doesn't seem to be fully in it, at least not today.  Then I think, we really could use money to help with a couple credit cards that we have had since we closed on the house and of course, student loans which we both still have.

I just want us to be a little more financially set.  But that's such a relative state, how do I know that I won't continue to keep wanting to make just a little more money?  To be just a little more financially stable.  Gosh, this is the reason I quit in the first place.  We can live off one income and we can live simply.  So why am I looking to make extra money now?  I guess the purchase of the wood stove and a possible surgery has made me more on edge about money.  We'll be getting a tax refund that we plan to put right into our credit card and hope to pay it all off. 

Maybe working part time will give me something to do and something new to focus on.  Maybe it will be a good thing for me personally.  I guess only time will tell.  Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.  Sorry if it is jumbled and hard to follow.  That would most likely be due to my lack of sleep recently.  Please say a quick prayer I can make the right decision and that I will have peace with whatever I decide.  Thank you!